I know how it affects your brain, your body and your health.
I know it's addictive, I know it's bad.
But it's so, so good.
Having had my first hit from the side of a van at a festival back in 2013, I was instantly hooked and suffered severe withdrawal symptoms, trying to supplement my addiction with the placebo of Sainsbury's own caramel and peanut soft scoop.
It wasn't the same.
I tried everything: squeezy caramel sauce and dollops of melted peanut butter, vanilla ice cream sprinkled with sea salt and drenched with sugar. My housemate found dirty spoons and used wrappers in my handbag, and I knew it was time to stop.
I went cold turkey for a while, six months went by and I couldn't even look at a jar of skippy. I was ready to accept that my search for that rosy-pink truck with its supply of unbeatable quality would never again be on the market. Never again would I reach that high.
Life was okay, I ate chocolate fudge brownies and gorged myself on jam doughnuts whilst watching the mundane world go by. In an attempt to feed my adrenaline craving, I turned to the vice of piercing and tattoos, which by fate or fortune led me to Affleck's Palace, home of all things alternative. Amongst the webs of gothic jewellery, salvaged 80s footwear, pothead paraphernalia and offensive t-shirts I stumbled to find the dream-like sight of Ginger's Comfort Emporium. Was this real? Was I hallucinating? Plush velvet booths in deep crimson, an Alice-Through-The-Looking-Glass chessboard floor, and a towering chalkboard listing the reams of flavour combinations of which my heart had eyes to see only one.
I'm talking of course about Chorlton Crack, Ginger's Comfort Emporium's intoxicating combination of salted caramel and peanut butter in an ice cream. It's available in Elvis-style dosage between brioche toast and smothered with jam, Ginger now even cooks up with a brownie for the hard-hitters, but I personally like it pure.
Now there's a steady supply, I'm back on the wagon and my habit is under control. Why get clean when I can afford not to?